Grief That Never Had Time to Rest

Grief has been a constant presence in my life for a very long time. Not just emotional grief—but the kind that settles into the body, the mind, and the spirit.

The first loss I experienced was in 1997. I lost my aunt, my mother’s oldest sister. She was my best friend. After she passed, my world became darker, and I didn’t know how to navigate life without her. Looking back now, I realize I never truly mourned her. In many ways, I never learned how to properly grieve any of my family.

The most devastating loss came years later with my grandmother. I took care of her. I saw her daily. She was woven into every part of my life—and then, slowly and suddenly, she was gone. That loss sent me into a deep depression. At the same time, I was trying to build a relationship with my mother, but it didn’t work. Instead of my family coming together in grief, we drifted further apart. I felt forgotten. Alone.

I had many sleepless nights. And even now, I still cry for my grandmother. That pain hasn’t disappeared.

The following summer, I lost my father. Between losing my grandmother and my father, COVID happened. That wasn’t the cause of their deaths, but the isolation made everything heavier. I was already grieving, already alone, carrying a silent pain that still surfaces from time to time.

Then there was my grandfather—the person I spoke to every single day. Hearing him describe the abuse he was enduring weighed on me mentally and emotionally. When I tried to help him, I was threatened for it. Eventually, he came to live with me for the final months of his life. He passed away in my home.

It has only been a little over a year since his passing, and I am still riddled with grief.

I try to focus on the good memories. But that grief is layered. It ties back to my grandmother. To not being able to say goodbye to my father. To my aunt, whom I never had the chance to properly grieve. And on top of all of that, I am also grieving people who are still alive—people who have hurt me deeply.

I’ve spent most of my life being the support system for everyone else. And now, I find myself in a place where I realize that I need support too. I’m still learning how to navigate that.

Right now, I’m not ready to go deeply into every aspect of my grief. This is simply a conversation starter. Maybe, in time, I’ll share more. For now, I’m healing—slowly, intentionally—and doing the best I can.

And for today, that has to be enough.

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